


Predictable

by Electroll



Category: Smallville
Genre: Humor, Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-15
Updated: 2014-06-14
Packaged: 2017-11-12 05:28:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/487229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Electroll/pseuds/Electroll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I lampshade all of the cliches on Smallville. Now starring drunk!Lex, Product Placement Pete, and Clueless Clark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drinking

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I wrote after watching Smallville with my mother. I just thought about how Lex always drinks when Clark comes over, how Clark always manages to break in, how Clark loves to accuse Lex of everything. . . . I might add a few more chapters later.

"You know, I've made this into a game." Clark had just barged into Lex's mansion for the eighth time that month, accusing him of the latest atrocity to befall Smallville. Lex forgot what Clark was talking about halfway through the diatribe. Something about poison in the water supply causing amnesia citywide.

"What?" Clark replied, equal parts confused and angry.

"This - this 'break in and blame me for whatever's going wrong' thing." Lex hiccuped. Clark used his newly aquired sense of super smell to discern that Lex had been drinking. Super smell had been a pain in the ass when he had to go out into the cow pasture, but it wasn't entirely useless.

"Have you been drinking?" Clark asked, not wanting to be too direct.

"And then" Lex continued, 'I'll bust my ass to fix whatever it is, and after all of the wacky shenanigans, you'll apologize for being such a douche. What I'm wondering is this: why don't you ever switch it up a bit? You could always try giving me the benefit of the doubt. You could also remember the other twenty times when I didn't do anything wrong." Lex hicupped, "Of course, once this little episode is over, you won't remember a word I've said. In fact, we'll probably be doing a repeat of this sometime in the next week."

Clark decided to wait until Lex was sober before he did more accusing "I'll come back later."

"And that's another thing, how the hell do you keep breaking in?"

Clark waited as long as possible before answering. "I. . .uh. . .squeezed through the bars?"

Lex managed to give Clark a condescending look in spite of the fact that he was drunk. "Sure you did." Lex patted Clark on the shoulder."Clark, have I ever told you about Pinnochio? It's been a while since I gave you a history lesson."

Clark tapped Lex on the head and dumped him on the couch. The next time he delivered produce was going to be extremely awkward.


	2. Product

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pete shares something personal with Clark and ends up sounding creepy.

Clark was standing in his barn, staring longingly at Lana's house through his telescope, when he heard Pete enter.  
    "Clark, Clark are you here?"  
    "Up here."  
    "Oh, good." Pete walked up the stairs, joining Clark at the large window.  
    "I wanted to talk to you about Chloe."  
    "Lana? Why, did something happen to her?"  
    Pete stared at Clark. "No Clark, Chloe. You know, short, blond, great with computers? Pete almost seemed to realize that he didn't need to state three of Chloe's attributes, but that was the way everyone in Smallville talked.  
    "Huh? Oh her." Clark put on his best 'Lie Back and Think of England' face, and waited for Pete to continue.  
    "Yeah, well. . . I wanted to know if you had feelings for her. Because after the dance last night me and her kind of. . ." Pete made a crude gesture with his hands.  
    "Hm. Oh, no." Clark had resumed his wistful staring while Pete had been talking. "We're just friends Pete, and I barely think of her as that." Clark smiled. "So how far did you guys go?" Clark said, displaying an uncharacteristic amount of interest.  
    "All the way." Pete said with such exuberance that it needed to be stated, but not nearly enough to warrant an exclamation mark. "And with these Trojan brand condoms, I can feel safe knowing that she won't end up pregnant." Pete held up a box of extra large condoms that emitted a bright green glow, and a high pitched sound rivaled only by mosquitos and the whining of Lana Lang. One would think that Pete or Clark would have noticed something as glaringly obvious as this, but one would be wrong.  
    "Uh. . .Pete," Clark said with trepidation "that's a little too much information."  
    Pete smiled in a way that unsettled Clark. Clark didn't know what was going on with Pete, but he was absolutely certain that he could find a way to blame it on Lex.  
    "Can you please leave, I have to finish my homework." Clark said despite the fact that he had no paper or writing utensils with him.  
    "Okay Clark." Pete said with annoyance. The kind of annoyance one might feel after seeing too many dialogue tags.  
    Clark sighed with relief when Pete finally left, he could finally get back to Lana Watching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Product Placement Pete. Just to be clear, I really liked Pete when he wasn't hawking some product. I also shipped him with Chloe. I just wish that he had gotten more development. The reason why Clark didn't keel over in agonizing pain around the kryptonite condoms is because even the Smallville writers aren't consistent about it. In 1x04 X-Ray Clark is able to use his powers around Tina Greer despite the kryptonite in her bones. In 8x05 Committed Clark is unable to break free of his restraints despite the kryptonite object being at least ten feet away, but gains the strength to headbutt the guy wearing the bracelet when he is centimeters away from Clark's face. The only thing consistent about Smallville kryptonite is that it serves to further the plot.


	3. Platitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonathan shares some sage advice with his son.

Clark was sulking in his Fortress of Barnitude when he heard his father walk in.

"Clark, you've been depressed all day. Tell me son, what's wrong?"

"Well I-"

"Lana?"

"Yes." Clark replied, not without a bit of surprise. "How did you know?"

"Lucky guess." He sighed. "Son, I know how badly you want to share your secret with her, but you can't put all your eggs in one basket. It is what it is and everything happens for a reason"

"But I thought that love was the strongest force in the universe. I really think I'm ready to tell her, and I think she'll accept me."

"It's too much of a risk. Good things come to those who wait. Time heals all wounds."

"Hey, wait" he replied "That one isn't even relevant to our current situation."

"It is Clark. You'll get over this in about" He checked his watch "thirty-five minutes. In fact, I have a feeling that soon you'll come extremely close to telling her your secret, and just before you say it she'll reveal something that will make you change your mind. You'll awkwardly play it off, she'll be disappointed in your inability to be honest, and we'll all get to watch this clusterfuck repeat itself over and over and over."

Clark couldn't hide his confusion. His father wasn't making any sense. And since when did he curse?

"Dad, have you been drinking?"

"Of course not son." Jonathan patted Clark on the back. "I'm going to go back inside, but don't let this eat at you. Remember, you reap what you sow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm exaggerating a bit, but Bo Duke really spouts more cliches than is healthy. I'm currently writing another chapter and should have it up this week or the next. Oh and credit goes to Omar over at Television Without Pity for Fortress of Barnitude.


	4. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clark has to flake on a date with Lana and she becomes suspicious.

Lana walked towards Clark's barn, filled with righteous indignation. How could he do this? The entire past week he had been the ideal boyfriend. He walked her to her classes, bought her flowers, and blew off his responsibilities at The Torch to hang out with her. Perfect. Until, of course, she spent half an hour waiting at the movie theater for him. He wouldn't even answer her calls. Why did he have to be so unreliable?

"Clark!" She quickly spotted him standing by the large window, angsting at the sunset. 

"Lana! Hey-"

"Hey? I don't even know how to respond to that."

"It was uh supposed to be a lead in."

She glared at him, but didn't retort, so he thought it was safe to continue. "Well um mom and dad needed me here. To help. With the crops."

"Then why didn't you call me?"

"I'm also grounded."

"Clark, your phone is hanging out of your jacket"

"My parents firmly believe in the honor system."

Lana sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Clark, I can't do this. I can't be in a relationship with someone who I can't depend on, and who lies to me all the time." She turned to leave. 

"Lana, wait. " She stopped. "I wanted to go with you…but I literally could not do it. There were…extenuating circumstances and I wasn't able to call you in time. I'm sorry I can't elaborate but it was out of my control."

Lana sighed. "Clark, I need you to be honest . I can't be in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets from me."

Clark's face slipped into a pained expression. "Lana please, I'm sorry. I really can't tell you, it's personal."

"Clark, I'm your girlfriend. You're supposed to be able to trust me. And if you can't, then what are we even doing?" Tears welled up in her eyes as alt-crap played in the background.

…"We're in high school."

"What does that have to do with anything?

"Aren't I allowed to have any sort of privacy? I mean for all you know I couldn't go because my Inflammatory Bowel Syndrome was acting up. There are some things that I can't share with you right now. I mean we're dating, not married. Sometimes it feels like this is a relationship between two thirty year olds. I want to tell you a lot of things, but I just don't feel ready right now."

"Clark, you act like I'm obsessed with every detail of your life. I mean it's not like I spy on you in your house with my telescope."

"What." Clark said, wearing an obviously guilty look on his face.

"I only want to know the personal things about you that I suspect you're keeping from me. Even though they most likely don't affect me in any way. Is that so hard to ask?"

"I-I'm sorry." Was all he could say. 

Lana felt bad, she knew that this was hurting him, but she had to say it. "I can't be with you anymore. I've felt like this for a while…so I've already warmed up my backup boyfriend in preparation." She wiped away a tear that rolled down her cheek. "I'm going to go home and see if I can find Aunt Nell, I haven't seen her for months. Please, don't try to call." She left the barn, and Clark shed his own tears alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Lana. I'm not trying to imply that she's the only one who is far too nosy-I'm looking at you, Clark-but she has little to no character outside of that to tamp it down. Ugh watching some of those episodes is physically painful. Teenagers that are played by twenty year olds should still act like teenagers >.>.Credit goes to Omar at TWOP for pointing out her annoying response to the word "Hi" in 3X02.  
> And with that, this fic will be on hiatus. I'm moving to a residential high school on the fifteenth, and I'll spend a lot of time acclimating. I'll probably write oneshot Assassin's Creed or Legend of Korra smut, but I won't have access to the Smallville DVDs so it'd be difficult to write this :/. Concrit is welcome and I hope you enjoyed it :)


	5. Pushover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe has something important to tell Clark.

Clark stood in the barn, gazing out at the stars. It was just getting dark enough to see them. And actual stars this time too, not Lana Lang. His one true love. The only girl he could ever feel an emotional connection too. The only person who he could even imagine telling his secret to. The most beautiful and perfect-

The sound of someone walking up the stairs broke him out of his reverie. Now who would dare interrupt him when he was so busy? It was almost as bad as if he had been Lana Watching. He watched as Chloe ascended the wooden steps with a look of trepidation on her face.

"Clark, I have something important to tell you," she said, as she let out a shaky breath and turned around even though she had only come to face him five seconds ago. Of course Clark didn't comment or become irritated because it made their interaction look cinematic and if there was an invisible audience watching from the back of the barn, they would have a very good view. And what could be more important?

"For a long time we've been very close friends. I can't imagine what my it would be like without you. You're just so important to me. I mean, gosh, I don't even think I would be alive if it weren't for you. You saved my life when that wacko tried to bury me alive-"

"That was really Lana. Man, she sure is amazing. I can't think of anyone I'd trust more or want to be closer to. Wow. Anyhoo, continue." 

". . . "

"Chloe, it sounded like you were going somewhere with this?"

"Right," she continued, tears threatening to spill over. "And when you helped me out with the Torch. And when we went to the Spring Formal together. My best memories here in Smallville all involve you, and I know that's not a coincidence. So I got to thinking and I decided that there's something I have to say to you. . I know that I can be incredibly nosy, and God knows I haven't been always been so loyal. . . but you mean so much to me. I know that I've been needlessly jealous over you and Lana in the past and that sometimes I took things way too far. I feel like part of the problem was me not being honest with you. So here's me trying to fix that. I'm-"

The crack of ominous thunder made her jump. She couldn't help but feel nervous. Every time there was a thunderstorm in Smallville, something terrible happened. Literally every time. She actually couldn't remember the last time she had seen a meteor freak that without a lightning and thunder accompaniment. Slowly she regained her composure and gathered the courage needed to finish her statement.

"I love you I would love it if you felt the same way, and if we tried being more than friends, but I completely understand if you don't. I don't want you to feel like you have to go out with me to preserve our friendship or anything." She couldn't think of anything to add so she simply waited for a response. And waited. And when she finally turned around to see Clark's reaction, he just wasn't there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all hiatus officially ended for this year :). So this is something I've wanted to write about for a while, and unfortunately I don't have the clearest memory of the episodes I referenced, so hopefully the Smallville wiki has done me right. Blergh I'm going to rewatch the show for when I write future chapters, but it's going to be so weird. Like I'm an actual teenager their age, and I have like a boyfriend so I can tell when the Smallville is just full of b.s.. So basically look forward to some calling out of the weird relationship dynamics and especially how blatant it is that no one is actually a teenager. I feel like I'm going to edit this chapter later and probably add more, so I'll just put notes for that here whenever I finally get around to it. Huge credit to AuroraMoon for pointing out the ominous thunder/rain of mutant signalling used in like most of the season two eps. Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoy the chapter!


End file.
